Chapter Four

Even in college, I was dogged by a desperate sense of lack and longing. Missing a sense of purpose, I kept myself so busy with school and horses and work and club involvement, I barely noticed the years rolling by. My heart longed for more. Where to turn? Sex? Drugs? Rock and Roll? Well, abuse very early in childhood (probably prior to recollection) created a deep sense of distrust and strong feelings of fear and disgust around sexuality, so release in that arena did not come till much later in life. Alcoholism runs in my family, so at about 12 my dad had a seminal conversation with me about impairing consciousness through substances: Any time a person spends with their minds altered by the influence of drugs and alcohol is time that person is not really alive, and that time can never be gotten back. This is a lesson that has stuck with me ever since, so drugs as a spiritual diversion were right out. Music allowed some release for me, but mostly the grunge rock of the 1990's fed my sense of lack and general depression and seemed more useful for comiseration than relief from misery. Several hundred dollars into a Columbia House CD club membership (this was back in the days before mp3s and i-tunes), I realized I might have something of a problem and decided to quit.

But again, back to So what?

I finished college by the skin of my teeth--with honors of course (if one is going to do something, do it right!). But felt no closer to a life of purpose.